-[00:00]
[Gentle ambient music.]
-[00:04]
Ever since I was a boy, there were a series of tales told to me by my grandfather. Tales used to elucidate the history of the family, the special character that we held within our own veins. It is a story not often told to others. But it is one that I think should be told now. These are the tales of my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, The Wise Wizard King Rossi.

-[00:38]
As with the lives of men, stories seldom begin fully formed. Rarely do you start with their greatest exploit. Instead you must build it up. Understand the beginnings – where things began; why great men became what they became. As such I shall share these stories in much the same order that I had been given them as a boy. From his humble beginnings to his admittedly quite regal final days.
-[01:10]
You may find some of these tales hard to believe – as I myself once did as well – however, through independent research and much digging into historical record, I have found that many of them are indeed… if not truthful, then… representative of the shared reality.
-[01:31]
So, with a rather grandiose preamble come to a close, I would like to begin to share with you the stories of my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather: The Wise Wizard King Rossi.
-[01:49]
[Gentle guitar music.]
-[01:53]
My great-great-great-great-grandfather, The Wise Wizard King Rossi, was born to a seamstress mother and a wood-smith father. He was the youngest and most frail of twelve. But at the time, he liked to think he was the most brave. Granted, at the time, being the most brave to him meant looking under rocks and seeing the squiggly worms and not always quite screaming.
[02:18]
Whenever it was around breakfast time, he would run up to his mother and father and beg for food as if he hadn’t eaten in 12 years. Then once lunchtime came around he would then find his mother and father and beg for food as if he had not eaten in 12 years, and – around dinner time – he would also search for his mother and father, who were often tired of this game and had decided to try to find somewhere else to be.
[02:43]
It was around the second time of starving that his father came and approached him:
[02:47]
“Young James. As you know, I am but a simple wood-smith. And as a simple wood-smith, there are times where there are things that I need that I cannot create myself. Today is one of those days; I am looking for nails and I do not seem to have any more remaining. I would like to request that you–”

“A quest?!” young Rossi said.

“Uh… yes, I suppose you could consider this a quest, young James.”

“Then I shall do it!”

“You… don’t know what it is yet, James, please do not leave the room…”
-[03:18]
My great-great-great-great-grandfather, The Wise Wizard King Rossi, with his hand resting on the doorknob, realized that he did not actually know where he needed to go at the time, and he did stop and listen to his father for perhaps the first time in his life.
-[03:30]
“James, all I need for you to do,” he said.

“On my quest!” my great-great-great-great-grandfather The Wise Wizard King Rossi interjected.

“–Yes, on your quest,” his father continued, “I need for you to go and get some nails from the blacksmith in town.”
-[03:45]
The Wise Wizard King Rossi… stopped and stood. With his mouth agape. Never had he been asked to procure such an item, never had he been given such an important task! Something that his – his father actually needed from him! And, as such, he was extremely pleased to have received it.
-[04:05]
“Yes, father, right away! I shall go to the blacksmith and I shall go get nails! And I shall come back with them posthaste!” he claimed.
-[04:13]
He thought “posthaste” made him sound fancy, but it actually even at the time made him sound kind of off and outdated.
-[04:19]
“Right, well then off you go, son! I have other things I need to do, so I wish you luck, and please return before the dark,” his father said to him.
-[04:29]
The Wise Wizard King Rossi, not yet wise, not yet a wizard, and not quite yet a king, decided it would be best to follow his father’s advice and search for the blacksmith in town in order to procure these nails.
-[04:41]
Leaving his home, he stepped out into the world, the sun shining bright – beating down on him, as if trying to provide him with the necessary energy to complete his task. Putting on a stern face, he headed into town.
-[04:58]
[Bouncy orchestral music.]
-[05:02]
Once he had reached a town, The Wise Wizard King Rossi searched and hunted high and low for the blacksmith. He peered around every corner, he gazed at every sign, but nothing – nothing! – could lead him to where the blacksmith was. And then, through the crowd, he sees his best friend, Claudio.
-[05:20]
He rushes over to Claudio; he shook him by the arm and said, “Claudio, Claudio, my friend!”

Claudio turned and looked at him and said, “Who are you?! I don’t know who you are!”

Wise Wizard King Rossi then said, “Huhuh, Claudio! As humorous as ever! I need your assistance; I am looking for the blacksmith, yet I know not where he is!”

Claudio looked at him quizzically, saying, “Uh… I – he’s over there? I… the one with the anvil out front.”
-[05:49]
“Ah, yes!” The Wizard King Rossi said, “Of course, of course, I knew that! I… am just suffering from… a curse… on… my… grand quest!”

“A quest– okay, kid. Um… if you could… just go continue that over there… that would be great. Thank you.”

“Ah! Claudio!” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said, “You have saved me once again! I am forever in your debt, friend!”
-[06:15]
And on his way to the blacksmith, The Wise Wizard King Rossi turned around and looked at Claudio, his best friend. And Claudio gave his signature goodbye of, “I don’t know who you are, please leave me alone!”
-[06:28]
Reaching the blacksmith, The Wise Wizard King Rossi… could not help but notice that the man was gone… The shop was closed up tight, the doors locked, the room inside the windows cold and dark… The Wise Wizard King Rossi turned, looking for Claudio, perhaps for more assistance, however he was already gone – perhaps on one of his own quests. And as exciting as that would be for Claudio, it did not help The Wise Wizard King Rossi’s chances one bit.
-[06:54]
“My god…” said The Wise Wizard King Rossi, “The blacksmith… is missing! something must’ve happened to him, he must be in danger! This must also be part of my quest; perhaps this is why my father gave me such a task!” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said to himself, “I shall go find him, I shall look high and low, and I shall find him and save him from whatever danger he may be in! I, James, son of the wood-smith, shall go and save the day!”
-[07:20]
Several people turned and looked at him and scoffed – not realizing that they scoffed at The Future Wise Wizard King Rossi.
-[07:29]
[Suspenseful percussive music.]
-[07:31]
And off he went.
-[07:33]
He left town, bursting through the town gates, both of the guards saying, “Eh… whatever,” when asked if it was safe for him to do so.
-[07:40]
He ran out, following the river down to the ocean. From the ocean, he looked around, wandering where a blacksmith would possibly be, what would a blacksmith possibly need out of the city, but clearly he was gone, so he must be here! And then he remembered that there are mines… and mines are where you find the things that blacksmiths like! And so, a blacksmith would naturally want to go to them…
-[08:01]
Finding the nearest mine, or closest approximation of a mine that he could find, he found a small cave. Looking inside, he saw two bright eyes staring back at him.
-[08:12]
“The blacksmith!” he thought, “I have finally found him!”
-[08:16]
And then…
[Music builds…]
The blacksmith growled… “Rraaarrr.”

“My, for a blacksmith, you have a fantastic animalistic growl!” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said.

“Hrrrrrrlllggghhhrr,” the blacksmith responded.

“My, you sound much like a Slandrel blacksmith!” said The Wise Wizard King Rossi.
-[08:38]
It was at this time that the blacksmith’s hairy gnarled hand passed through the cave entrance…
-[08:44]
“I am beginning to think that you are not actually the blacksmith,” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said.
-[08:49]
[Epic fast-paced music.]
With a final, Grrrrowl, the Slandrel burst forth; a creature with a thousand arms and 20 mouths, all dripping with saliva and rotted meat!
-[09:01]
It was at this time that The Wise Wizard King Rossi’s famous bravery finally broke. Turning and running, he screamed for the beach. Once at the beach, he took a moment to calm his breath and he turned around and the Slandrel was still at his heels. So The Wise Wizard King Rossi continued to run – he ran to the river and followed the river back up into the hills; and when he finally felt safe, he stopped to catch his breath yet again. And in the quiet of the woods… he could hear something…

Rahhhh…
-[09:34]
And with a giant crash, a monster started to bound through the trees!
-[09:39]
The Wise Wizard King Rossi, not knowing what to do, continued to run! He had but one place to go: back to the city – but doing so would also lead the Slandrel back… So, he did the one thing he could think of to do; he grabbed a reed and jumped into a deep pool.
[Slow ambient music.]
Sinking to the bottom, he held his breath as best he could. And when he thought he could hold out no longer – the water attempting to pound at his throat and invade his lungs – he let out a mighty breath through the reed.
-[10:07]
For a moment, he was worried the plan would not work. But then he gathered his wits and calmly took one slow breath… On that breath, he could taste the Slandrel… He knew it was above him, searching… looking… trying to find his quarry…
-[10:26]
With unknown reserves of patience and bravery, The Wise Wizard King Rossi lay perfectly still at the bottom of the calm river.
-[10:39]
Suddenly, he felt a splash next to him. And then another slightly farther away, and then one last splash further still. It appeared that the Slandrel had lost interest.
-[10:55]
Still fearful, The Wise Wizard King Rossi laid underneath that river for as long as long as he could stand, until his hands had turned as pruned as walnuts. Then just as he thought he was safe, he felt something tug at his shirt and wrench him out of the water…
[Music Stops.]
It was the blacksmith!
-[11:17]
[Warm piano music.]
The Wise Wizard King Rossi let out a great sigh of relief and hugged the giant man – then being held aloft by the blacksmith’s thick arms and calloused hands.
-[11:25]
He said, “What are you doing here, boy?! I thought you for dead! laying at the bottom of a river like that, what were you thinking?”

“What was I thinking?!” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said, “You were missing! I’ve been looking for you everywhere, an– What were you doing?!”

“I was on a picnic with my wife; if you had bothered to read the sign that I had put up on my door, then you would know that. It was our anniversary. Which you ruined by dragging a beast into the hills!”
-[11:53]
The Wise Wizard King Rossi eventually succumbed to his exhaustion, the excitement and stress of the day too much. The last thing The Wise Wizard King Rossi heard from the blacksmith was, “Well, might as well get you home, boy. Even your father’s probably worried about you by now…
-[12:11]
When The Wise Wizard King Rossi awoke, he was back at home in his bed. At his feet lay a small bag filled with nails. On it there was a note of some kind. Opening his door, he walked into the hearth room. Inside were his mother, father, and eleven siblings; they were all sitting down to eat.

-[12:29]
His father said, “Quite a long day… wouldn’t you say… son.”

“Yes, it really was,” The Wise Wizard King Rossi said, “Yes; And with no trouble at all, I got the nails.”

“No trouble at all…” his father repeated to him.

“Well, some trouble – however, I did accomplish the quest.”

“So you did, son. I’m proud of you. Now, you should come and join us, unless you wish to go to bed hungry tonight.”
-[12:57]
This had been the first time that his father had said that he was proud of him. Something inside him felt warm. And though he felt he could sustain himself on this feeling alone, he came over, sat down, and grabbed a biscuit, and ate dinner with his family.
-[13:15]
[Warm lighthearted ambient music.]
-[13:16]
And that, my friends, is the tale of my great-great-great-great-grandfather’s first quest. And as he saw it at the time, it was not a quest for nails, but a quest for a place in the family.
-[13:28]
I hope you all enjoyed listening to this as much as I enjoyed remembering it. This has been The Wise Wizard King Rossi’s great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson, James Rossi. Have a good night, and share the hearth with your loved ones.
-[13:45]
-[13:55]

Thanks to JayJay for providing this transcript.